When You Seee It Coming But Can't Avoid It

boy, am i having a day. because i'm aware of the efficacy of astrology, i pay attention to it. that being the case, i knew there were chunky times ahead, and not just for me. the effects are hitting everyone else too, you know, to varying degrees.

me, i stay wide open to it and sometimes, no, all of the time, and that can be uncomfortable. i feel like i'm intensely affected because i can be. if i were still working 40 hour weeks and had a busier social calendar, the way i once did, i don't think i'd feel the effects of any of the things sort of batting me to and fro so strongly. like a damned tetherball. the reason i don't have those, is because of a severe turn my life took that wiped the slate of my life clean off the table.

i mean, i had a course set in my mind, loosely, a way i intended my life to go. however circumstances came along and asserted themselves in such a way that nothing's been the same since. i've been liberated; at a cost.

all of this happened about 30 years ago and the impact of it all, i'm still working through. it felt like it wasn't through any deliberate act of my own, and yet i've come to believe it actually was. i know i've thought about what my life would be like, if...a lot.

unfortunately the thing i thought i'd been investing all the power and energy to was actually being deverted to a sub layer of thought pattern i'd no idea was making that one manifest. spirit and i , hell, numerous factors had to've come to an agreement because here we are.

not to be cryptic, don't wanna explain, but, i became pretty seriously ill and that meant i couldn't keep working in the low wage hump jobs i'd been doing, or any for a while. i lost a lot of physical abilities and i can't do many of the things i used to. that, is how my schedule's got so clear. it's no longer filled with the noise and cacaphony of the employed life i had. or the social one. no more interacting as a service drone, for low wages, few benefits but few responsibilities tying me to stuff. sure. that life requires a hale and hearty constitution and i no longer possess that.

it's like the saying, when you lose one physical faculty, it strengthens others. not sure how true that is in my case. it's about 3 decades since it happened and i'm still picking up pieces and seeing how this new, old reality works. without all of the serve time though, and i have all of this space to see where i am and how it all works.

i mean a lot of time to contemplate and work on myself, as they say. which in turn has left me in the habit of leaving the phone off the hook, so to speak. like having a direct connection to spirit and other subleties left hanging open. the things you can notice once the static is tuned out of the way.

what has that got to do with the day i'm having? well, not every bump in the road is astrology related, and there's a lot of energy exchange happening out here. if my own output is blasting hard enough to send my cat running when i'm not even vocalizing or thrashing about, that's hard. not hitting or throwing anything, and you'd think i was by the way he skedaddles, but he's just really tuned in to my moods. he's my little barometer.

the thing is, i seem to be tuned into some stuff too; if i've got output then you know others, like yourself, do too. why yourself? why am i picking on you?

it may well be, i'm talking about the collective us, just broadcasting our frequecies into the air. i'm not always sure whose what i may be feeling. used to be they had to be in the same room, but the ability to detect, or be affected seems to've expanded. there's nobody else here and yet i feel crazy.

so it's been one of those days, where whatever you attempt needs a bunch of tries to get it done and try is the operative here. some things can't be left for another time, just because they won't go right now. some days you can do a thing over and over and then fiiiinally that shit'll work. others there's nothing to do but stop.

that's been today. many of the social media platforms i normally use. no! was in the midst of using, seemed to feel a need to cock block me. not saying i have one, a cock, but i'm using t he euphemism. it hasn't been a single normal techinological device or system that's in some way eluding me., it's several. now that's what i call frustrating! the new record you want to sail out the window

it's the little things too. dropping some tiny piece of something i was putting together leapt to the floor and now it can't be found. do i have a replacement? not now? oh kay. guess i'll start another project until i do. it's been a continuous succession of small annoyances. one on the heels of another, testing my patience without relief. i know the goal is to just get through 'em and not self destruct. they're not a big deal, each on their own but the continuous flow is making me nuts! more nuts.

another just fabulous feature of times like this, i did say this happens aaaalot, right? it does, so much i'm surprised i haven't pulled bald patches in my hair. but yeah the other thing, or one of them, is it feels like i can't say anything right. like, nothing's landing and it feels like hell, but the solution which i learned the hard way, is not to keep on talking. and to turn shit off. it's just, a forced shutdown is treatment, not the cure. so who will i talk to? no one for a bit.

which stinks. i'm a social person and electronic messsging is my faborite and often only medium to do it on. it's sort of the result of my location. where i put myself in, so it is what it is. because i'm social when i feel like it, but isolated from people i know well. and i can make an irish departure when i need to, because i can't really do it too long. it may not seem that way to an onlooker but trust me. i know. unfortunately sometimes i can feel how unwelcome and off putting i'm coming off and that's the last thing i want. to feel it or make it felt.

this all makes for a rough day for me. this though, spilling it out, spilling, spelling, what evs. this makes me feel better, because it's not great to give my neggy feelings much weight. i gotta process them, though. if i still played music. i'd pour all this into songs, and that's what i mostly lost, making songs. i can write them, but the playing them, oof. it's not good. i can't do what i used to, i've tried and given up many times since i regained any ability. it only goes so far and it's not enough. i haven't come near to clearing that yet.

it's a process and while this is serious, it's not. not gonna explain that in any detail, but it takes a facility for reading between the lines and one's own placement as far as consciousness level goes, and we're all on a level. they just aren't easily accessible to one another at all times. they just aren't.

a new pressing annoyance is at me now, so i'm gonna go deal with that.

first published 12.22.22