it's happening in me literally and figuratively. as in, I'm on the edge of tears constantly because every dang thing's beenmaking me want to cry. there's little to do about it because it's part of what I've been pursuing since i started leaving entries on this platform. my spiritual journey. my quest to move away from my pre kundalini awakening state.
it's a part of learning to love unconditionally, i'm learning. it's clear that long-standing barriers i built inside, that repel people and experiences, needed to be weakened until they fell. broken down.
otherwise, the healing ineeded would have no way in. or else it'd meet unnecessary resistance. although, the slow way or with the quickness, both work. either way is acceptable.
either way is going to yield its own kind of lesson, and as my most valued tutors always say, why rush? when we do, they say, we are rubbing ourselves of experiencing whatever comes along to its fullest. i heed this advice the best i can, because i do want to hurry to the next experience. each new one is so intoxicating, i'm ready to hurry through the one i'm in, thereby skipping over other good stuff. we usually don't realize until later that those details, if we speed past them in our rush, we will simply miss shit. i mean, how much detail can we really discern if we're, for instance, in a speeding car? you may have your eyes trained on the road but it goes by in a blur. so definition becomes impossible.
what I've been doing is watching a lot of feel-good viewing. lots of animal vids, tears and smiles. everything so affecting i almost just can't.
there's a guy who plays guitar on the street and it looks like all over the world. his gimmick is to cook strangers passing by to come sing. i'm sure a lot gets edited out. like, not everyone's going to be convinced to suddenly perform in public. especially if they never have. this guy though, he has such a sweet vibe that he is so persuasive.
it is amazing, you can see the ones who give in start off shy, say they scared or nervous, but he helps them choose a song from a catalog he keeps. or he'll on the fly learn a popular song or one totally foreign to him and it puts them at ease. once they begin to feel comfortable, they really relax into their pick and it's obvious they surprise themselves. it's beautiful and he askes them after how they feel after having sung. no one says terrible or worse, no! they say they feel happier or later.
there are a couple of other guys who go up to people living on the street and surprise them with encouraging words, hugs and hundreds of dollars. it's the way they approach these people, that are mostly deep behind walls of their own and defensive. understandably. because they've been they've grown to expect hard words from the clean people who haven't been reduced to living on the street like they have. it must stink to be treated like a hazard or disease factor. they may be gruff, but once they understand that this is help, they fold. full of apology and such overwhelmed gratitude. oh man, I'm tearing up now just talking about it, ffs!
i had some personal revelations about some old past crap. they weren't pretty, but they were enlightening. i don't know about a reader, can't see that from here, but i know i had this repeating pattern of malformed relationships. i kept finding myself in the same shit different guy situations and it was a waking nightmare.
the thing i was missing, things, were my thinking. i was just being hurt by and used over and over, which was true. i was cheated on and lied to, gas lit and just plain shabbily treated. all true, but i too played a role and that can't be discounted. even though i had the best intentions, not cheating, not even wanting to. i have my own things going on. relationships with friends the other didn't also know. i never be begrudged them their time with others. if i was a doormat, it was partially my own fault.
it's hard to face, but i wouldn't have been a doormat if i didn't make the conditions conducive for it. i guess i was needy or clingy. when all i thought i was doing was enjoying spending time with my guy. i felt that newness vibe and i'd go away and come back wantinb to dive right back into that energy. assuming the feeling was mutual. that i was waitedfor with the same anticipation oh that was waiting for with the same anticipation. but no, i wasn't. i didn't get it then but i finally do now. i allowed pretty awful things to be said and done to me because i have needs, but i wasn't registering the contempt they had for me.
i had this really intense living situation with one that was completely separate from our, whatever it was. i say that because they were one of those that had to make sure i knew at all times that i was not their girlfriend. yes, there was more than one of the sweethearts and my dumbass let them do that to me.
i wanted companionship but i can only guess if they're motives for acting the way they did with it wasn't necessary if all they wanted was sex, because well, that was me too. never understood my feelings reflected on my face always triggered and anger. l ike, what was i supposed to do? look at someone i was being intimate with as if i were not enjoying it? i don't know, it was just very confusing.
the intense living situation is one that I and a few others, roommates, including one of the aforementioned that affected us all. it may be the thread that pulls us back together.
someone i've known since we were teens was there too, and we'd begun reconnecting but he saw my writings and i did mention him in passing, not by name. what i said he was still doing something i used to do, only i had stopped. i had looked at my previous page that was still up, three four years later and was shocked at how much anger was in my words.
it was the arguing online about r/l politics. probably other things that've turned off others. i received a message from the latter through another of this group of roommates, where they made a plea for us to come back together as friends. i never didn't want to be that person's friend but when i see people flee because of I think, it's something I said, I remove myself from their sight.
it's not about hostility, it's self-defense, but i'm not going to stop saying what's on my mind either. it doesn't however, feel great to be shunned. i avoid it whenever possible.
there is still the other friend/roommate that I had that unfortunate, fuggit, relationship with. It's complex. what caused my differences with them but i don't think it ever mattered as much to them the way it ended, not the way it did for me. now, though i can look back and see that they maybe had some terrible poison swirling around in their core back then, because they were recidivist with it.
the life-changing, for me, event was the haunted dwelling we lived in. i know it scared me bad for years, i wouldn't even talk about it for years and iput 600 plus miles between me and that place. that place is in the san fernando valley in los angeles county. while i wasn't there for the entirety of it, the entity there allegedly caused a few autos to careen off the hillside freeway on ramp into the parking lot below and our backyard.
what i saw there was a black lacy mist or smoke looking crap. i felt attempts to mentally push me into an argumentative state of mind. the thing was, nobody was sharing what had happened to them personally at the time with me. we all knew when we were attacked as a group because we did have matching experiences, but we didn't really talk about that either.
i think that's why the person wants us all to meet up. there's been some talk of a book and one of us has expressed an interest in doing it. i assume it will require some contribution from the rest of us. i may be excluded.
so, all of the above made it more clear to me, that i was dragging around and anchor i should have never got myself attached to. i didn't know any better and i suppose my figuring some of it out at this late stage of the game is what not rushing looks like.
i feel like it's got to have to do with the multiple planets in retrograde and a three full super moon month stirring up all of the emotions. i may have even brewed up a couple of new ones out of the melee that was in my head when i sat down to the computer. i've really surprised myself with this piece's coherence.